I'm not myself you see.....

So it's been a while since I've posted. I started this blog to write about all of the insane crazy things that happen to me in singleland... well right after I wrote my first entry I met someone and thought I might be relocating to coupledom with everyone else but alas that was not meant to be. It's funny that no matter how badly we want some things... sometimes there just isn't enough wishing, hoping and dreaming to make it a reality or to make it last. And I must say that I will not be held responsible for what happens to the next person who says to me "everything happens for a reason" or "love will happen when you least expect it." They are both cliche sayings used simply to try and make us pathetic single people feel better.

I'll admit I've watched all of those sappy chick flicks where boy meets girl, boy and girl lose one another, boy comes back and sweeps girl off her feet and they live happily ever after and each time... it gives me that warm fuzzy hopeful feeling that someday my knight will arrive, sword drawn to save me from my miserably boring existence. But then there is the cold hard smack of reality.. there really are no knights in shining armour only average joes in tin foil with wooden sticks. Things are never romantic and full of awe the way the movies make them out to be. It's all just blah!

I know this sounds harsh and bitter and I know there are some great real love stories but honestly for the vast majority of us it's really not an epic sweeping unending love story. We have moments, shimmering beautiful moments where we can see a glimpse and possibly feel for a moment what everyone wants to feel for a lifetime. But those moments are few and far between and leave us longing for something more. I'm not saying that without this love our lives are empty because they certainly aren't. There are friends, family, jobs, hobbies, music, all sorts of things that fill most of the space between but there are always those small cracks that really never are filled up and can't be filled with anything but the mythical creature called love.

It's nearly impossible to escape the idea of love. It's everywhere we turn.. it's on the TV, in every magazine you pick up, every book you read... it's simply everywhere. I think everyone, but specifically women long so much for that someone.. the person who fills those cracks and makes everything feel better. Now I mentioned earlier that I had met someone and it didn't last long but just for a brief few weeks I had that feeling again.. that wow it's so wonderful to have someone to walk through my days with, to share all that was going on and to make everything seem better at the end of the day. Then there is the crashing moment where you realize that what you thought was going to be something spectacular and that maybe just maybe you had found that elusive thing that we all long for... the bottom drops out and here you are again... feeling like you are never gonna be part of the world of coupledom and all the benefits that entails.

Now, again walking through life without a "partner" isn't all bad. You don't have to consider anyone else when making plans, you don't have to consult with anyone before going out on that wild girls night, you don't have to make the bed if you don't want to and you certainly don't have to figure out what the most perfect birthday gift might be. Our lives are wonderful, brief, beautiful things that should be filled with happiness and joy... it's hard to come by but one thing I have learned most recently is that no one makes our happiness but ourselves and you can give everything you have body and soul to someone but you can't make them give you anything in return. I'm bent.. but not broken and secretly I'll never give up on the idea of finding that special thing... but in the meantime I'll remember how this feels and know that I don't ever want to be in this place again... until the next time I find myself here.

~Always love deeply and passionately. You WILL get hurt but it is the only way to live life completely~