Working

So I started this blog to talk about all of my "adventures" in singleland.. and while I have plenty of those I could write about.. I want to write about something far more personal this time. I love to hike... I would do it every day if I could but I most enjoy hiking by myself and especially when there is either something seriously bothering me or my emotions have the best of me. There is something about the solace in the woods and being in the middle of nature in it's very raw form that soothes my soul. The same thing happens when I sit by the ocean.. the sounds and soul of nature soothe me like nothing else ever can. With that being said... here's the story I want to tell. I had gone to great lengths over a year ago to begin changing myself and to become the person I know I want to be... I was making very serious strides towards my goals.. I had some pretty awesome people in my life helping me and working my behind off literally in the process. I really had begun to see the person I want to be and not the person I am now. However, somewhere along the way.. I can pinpoint where and why it happened but that itself is another story, I lost that part of me... it had been so clear and then suddently it was gone. Any motivation I had to reach my idea of me was gone. I was stuck.. I've spent alot of time pondering, worrying, stressing, being mad at myself for not only letting myself down but also letting those around me down. That's always been my biggest problem... I hate letting people down whether it's in my control or not.. I don't want to be the reason anyone is disappointed, sad or otherwise unhappy. So let's fastforward right to today... it's been 6 months of me floundering in this unhappy place that I couldn't seem to break myself out of... I was having a particulary awful morning and my emotions had the best of me. I knew I wasn't going to make any rational decisions and I was trying my best to avert any damage that my feelings at the moment might cause.. I decided to get lost in the woods. Overall best decision I've made in a very long time. Now I do need to say that there have been some things very recently that have made my eyes begin to open and to see what it is that I want out of life more clearly than ever... that too is another story for another time. I settled today on a 5 mile loop trail in the state park that I'd been thinking about trying for sometime... it's marked easy on the trail map but 5 miles is a good distance and it's not usually ever easy to hike 5 miles. When I arrived at the trailhead it seemed that everyone else had the same idea I had for the day... could have been that it was a holiday and families were out enjoying a beautiful day together in the woods. There were thirty cars parked at the start of the trail. Which can only mean one thing... there is no hiking alone with 30 or more other people on the same trail.. as I mentioned before I do this for the peace and quiet. So, I decided to head down to a shorter trail but one that offers a little more on the level of difficulty.. moderate :) When I arrived at this trailhead there were a few more cars than I would have liked parked at the trailhead but it was far better than the first. I hoped out of the car and found my way down the beginning of the trail past primitive campsites, the river, and several downed trees.. after I had walked about a quarter of a mile I began running in to more and more people.. it was more crowded than I was happy with. As I was decided whether or not I was going to turn around and head back I found myself in front of the start of another trail... this trail I'd looked at before and thought I would never go near it. It was of course marked difficult on the map.. it's called Wildcat Ledge... and there's a reason.. you really should be cat like to hike there. I stood on the grass between the two trails trying to figure out what I was going to do.. I really wasn't considering hiking the rocky ledge trail.. or maybe I was. I know me a year ago would certainly do that... but me right now... not so much. I noticed this couple headed my way on the trail, the mother had an infant in a carrier on her back and the father was holding the hand of a beautiful little red head with huge dark chocolate eyes... as they got closer I noticed the little girl staring at me and when she was right in front of me.. she said "you have to stay on the right path" Now I realize that she was probably chastising me for not being on the trail because her parents had warned her about staying on the trail and she knew that I was certainly not following directions.. but for me it was a different kind of message. I stepped off my right path months ago and it was time to get back on. I stood there for a second watching them walk away and then without much more thought I headed up the Wildcat Ledge trail.. now I have to say that from the very beginning this trail was difficult.. it's full of rocks and literally straight up.. as I was climbing I had moments of what the hell am I thinking.. and thoughts of turning back but something inside kept me moving on. Now there is a point that this trail levels off and you walk for a bit among the rocks and downed trees with very little effort.. but once you've moved through that break area it begins a steady incline... one which I've never done before. I thought quite a bit about headed back.. I had hiked a really good distance over a difficult part of the trail but I just kept thinking about what would be at the top... how amazing the view must be and how accomplished I'd feel when I got there. So I did. Just before you reach the top.. you get to a point that you may as well consider rock climbing.. I don't think you can consider it hiking anymore... I have to say that I'm not sure I can adequately explain the feeling.. the rush so to speak that I received from making to the very top of this very difficult trail.. the feeling that engulfed me when I stepped out on the ledge and looked across the valley, down at the river and over the tops of the mountains was breathtaking. It's hard to rationalize and it's hard to explain but that missing part of me that I talked about earlier.. I found her again at the top of that trail.. and as I look on it now she's been making her way back to me recently a little piece at a time. There is no denying for me that this was one of those defining moments in my life... something I won't soon forget and something that helped me find a vital piece of myself. It doesn't mean that I'm different... it just means I'm better. I recognize that I'm aging but I also know I'll never grow up. I'll still drive those I love to their breaking point.... I'll still try every ounce of patience they have and somedays they'll still want to forget I exist.. but I'll also still love those I hold dear fiercly and with all that I have... I'll ensure their happiness far before my own and I'll work my very best to make this better me work for them. I'm renewed.. I'm refreshed.. I'm hopeful for the future. I can't put all my feelings or my thoughts into words.. quite frankly words make it all seem so paltry... there are things at work that defy description. I just know that when I wake in the morning.. and I feel the soreness that is bound to creep in.. I'll feel more alive than ever and ready to face all that stands between me and happiness. I'm thankful.

You can ask the universe for all the signs you want, but ultimately, we see what we want to see when we're ready to see it.

Sometime Right Where You Started is Right Where You Belong....

So I've learned sometimes you have to let life turn you upside down so you can learn how to live right side up.

I think I can finally say... I know what living right side up means. Now, I'm not saying I'm completely there, living right side up... I'd say I'm somewhere in between perhaps living life sideways right now but it's certainly an improvement.

I've spent my entire life trying to "fix" people... or more accurately the men in my life. I'd never really noticed it before, and it will sound very cliché but this really came to my attention when I recently saw the movie "Eat Pray Love." Seeing the movie made me very anxious to read the book. You see, I always find that the book is much better than the movie anyway and this was no exception. There was a particular quote from the book that rang so true to me that I have to share it here “I have a history of making decisions very quickly about men. I have always fallen in love fast and without measuring risks. I have a tendency not only to see the best in everyone, but to assume that everyone is emotionally capable of reaching his highest potential. I have fallen in love more times than I care to count with the highest potential of a man, rather than with the man himself, and I have hung on to the relationship for a long time (sometimes far too long) waiting for the man to ascend to his own greatness. Many times in romance I have been a victim of my own optimism," that my friends, is me in a nutshell. I have a horrible time saying goodbye - even when I know goodbye is truly the only answer.

I'm happy to say I have lived a very single life over the last several months which has allowed me quite a bit of time to find myself again. I have a wonderful collection of fantastic characters (friends) in my life who have worked very hard to help me see to spot and avoid those infamous roadblocks in the romance department.

Let me tell you about a few of those “roadblocks” without their real names of course! As with any barricade or roadblock you encounter there are signs and flashing lights. Mine however work in the opposite way – I have the sign and lights on my forehead attracting these travelers as they were. Imagine the strangest, kookiest, most eclectic of creatures with a dash of sliminess thrown in for good measure. Well now you’ve just conjured up the average male suitor with whom I deal with on a weekly if not daily basis.

For example, there's the foreign gentleman who makes regular appearances offering me gifts, money, and even once a huge slab of beef! Oh, and there was the time he wanted me to go to the courthouse with him so that he could “apply for a divorce” and then we would travel to Miami together. He visits me quite often and makes these requests and gestures in his very broken English. It’s as if I have learned a second language known only to myself and him. However, I have to be very careful when interpreting him so that I’m sure I haven’t agreed to anything shady.

There was the preppy, frat-boy type gentleman who stalked me all around a local store some time ago. He followed me from aisle to aisle, casually saying hello every third meeting or so. Initially when I saw this gentleman (a term I use loosely), we were standing together in the pharmacy line. We didn't speak but made eye contact on several occasions. I noticed that he was handsome, dressed like he may have just stepped out of a Gap commercial. And, although none of this was particularly my type, one of my friends had just given me a lecture about how I needed to look beyond the “bad boys" that were my type and choose someone a little more “mainstream”. Stalking aside, I thought this gentleman might fit the bill. After we had passed one another perhaps a dozen or so times, he finally worked up the courage to introduce himself. We made small talk, he asked for my number - which of course I gave to him because again I have to be nice (see previous blog entry about my issues with being nice to everyone.)

I left the store feeling pretty accomplished that I had stepped out of my comfort zone and made contact with someone who didn't have "bad boy" written all over them. Feeling so proud and wanting approval, I immediately dialed the friend who had given me the lecture just hours before. As I sat in my car explaining to her how I had just taken her advice, "preppy" boy walks into the parking lot. He gets into the minivan sitting directly in front of me, loaded with no fewer than 5 kids, and leans over to KISS the driver, who I can only assume is his wife!

I'd like to say that these are just isolated incidents, but the truth is I could write a book filled with all my Mr. Wrong stories and perhaps one day I will. I'll share more of my misadventures along the way. I'm hoping that I'm on my way to making better choices where dating and relationships are concerned. I am, after all, a hopeless romantic who wants my happy ending.

I can't stress enough though, how I have learned that my happiness has to come first, we cannot have happiness living through someone else or by living to make someone else happy. We have to be happy with ourselves to even have a shot at making someone else happy. I'm learning... I know I have a ways to go but I am making progress and am determined to move forward down this path without stopping to look back. Life's too short... moving forward is the only option.

"One of the hardest things to realize is our "someday" is right now"

I'm not myself you see.....

So it's been a while since I've posted. I started this blog to write about all of the insane crazy things that happen to me in singleland... well right after I wrote my first entry I met someone and thought I might be relocating to coupledom with everyone else but alas that was not meant to be. It's funny that no matter how badly we want some things... sometimes there just isn't enough wishing, hoping and dreaming to make it a reality or to make it last. And I must say that I will not be held responsible for what happens to the next person who says to me "everything happens for a reason" or "love will happen when you least expect it." They are both cliche sayings used simply to try and make us pathetic single people feel better.

I'll admit I've watched all of those sappy chick flicks where boy meets girl, boy and girl lose one another, boy comes back and sweeps girl off her feet and they live happily ever after and each time... it gives me that warm fuzzy hopeful feeling that someday my knight will arrive, sword drawn to save me from my miserably boring existence. But then there is the cold hard smack of reality.. there really are no knights in shining armour only average joes in tin foil with wooden sticks. Things are never romantic and full of awe the way the movies make them out to be. It's all just blah!

I know this sounds harsh and bitter and I know there are some great real love stories but honestly for the vast majority of us it's really not an epic sweeping unending love story. We have moments, shimmering beautiful moments where we can see a glimpse and possibly feel for a moment what everyone wants to feel for a lifetime. But those moments are few and far between and leave us longing for something more. I'm not saying that without this love our lives are empty because they certainly aren't. There are friends, family, jobs, hobbies, music, all sorts of things that fill most of the space between but there are always those small cracks that really never are filled up and can't be filled with anything but the mythical creature called love.

It's nearly impossible to escape the idea of love. It's everywhere we turn.. it's on the TV, in every magazine you pick up, every book you read... it's simply everywhere. I think everyone, but specifically women long so much for that someone.. the person who fills those cracks and makes everything feel better. Now I mentioned earlier that I had met someone and it didn't last long but just for a brief few weeks I had that feeling again.. that wow it's so wonderful to have someone to walk through my days with, to share all that was going on and to make everything seem better at the end of the day. Then there is the crashing moment where you realize that what you thought was going to be something spectacular and that maybe just maybe you had found that elusive thing that we all long for... the bottom drops out and here you are again... feeling like you are never gonna be part of the world of coupledom and all the benefits that entails.

Now, again walking through life without a "partner" isn't all bad. You don't have to consider anyone else when making plans, you don't have to consult with anyone before going out on that wild girls night, you don't have to make the bed if you don't want to and you certainly don't have to figure out what the most perfect birthday gift might be. Our lives are wonderful, brief, beautiful things that should be filled with happiness and joy... it's hard to come by but one thing I have learned most recently is that no one makes our happiness but ourselves and you can give everything you have body and soul to someone but you can't make them give you anything in return. I'm bent.. but not broken and secretly I'll never give up on the idea of finding that special thing... but in the meantime I'll remember how this feels and know that I don't ever want to be in this place again... until the next time I find myself here.

~Always love deeply and passionately. You WILL get hurt but it is the only way to live life completely~

Welcome to my world.....

So, I knew being single in my (Oh lord I have to say it??)... 30's wouldn't be easy, but even I was not prepared for the comic tragedy I'm now living. It seems that I possess a "gift" that not many people are privileged enough to have. Depending on how you look at it, I suppose it's a toss-up between being a blessing and a curse. Most days, my gift of attracting anyone and everyone who's either just a little (or completely) off kilter is a good thing. It provides me with quite a bit of comic relief, some thankfulness, and even the occasional adrenaline rush from the fear of not knowing what these "crazies" may do next. My friends, on the other hand, are not AT ALL fond of this gift. As a matter of fact, they refer to it as my "crazy magnet" and are convinced that perhaps I shouldn't be allowed to go anywhere without additional adult supervision.

This all started out as a joke but I'm beginning to believe that the joke may be on me. I guess I can understand their point of view but honestly, I like being me! I like that there is never a dull moment in my life and I never know what I am going to walk into next. Truly, I don't seek out any of these situations and I don't walk out of the house every morning thinking "alright, who can I meet or what can I do today to make everyone around me crazy?" It just happens. I guess I've really always been this way.... I just never paid much attention to it until now.

I think much of our life flies by and we don't really take time to examine what is happening to us and how we're living this brief existence we get. By the time we take notice... we've lived half our lives and are wishing we could go back and change so many things. I've been looking back a lot lately on things I've done to bring me to where I am today. There have been a few too many mistakes in the department of the opposite sex (but who can say they haven't had that problem?) and so many other things that if I had just done something slightly different I'd be in such a different place. But, we don't get a "do over" and second chances aren't something we come by very often. So what's left? I suppose it's the hope that you will reach a point where you can stop and look back on your mistakes as just that and use those learning experiences to make better choices moving forward. I think that's the place I'm in now. Granted, every once in a while I slip off into the "What the hell was I thinking land" again but it doesn't take me nearly as long to correct myself now. One of my greatest lessons: A failed marriage doesn't make me a failed person. Relationships aren't all we are, it's just part of who we are.

So come along with me for the ride. This blog is going to be my path back to sanity - at least a version that I can live with. My single life has already proven to be hilarious, pathetic, sad, strange, and always interesting. Enjoy the good happenings, quirky people, the no-so-good happenings and the weirdness that my gift brings to my life every day. Because you can't see the whole picture if you only look through the tiny keyhole. Stay tuned..... I have many stories to tell and my own happy ending to write :)

The most beautiful things are those that madness prompts and reason writes ~ Andre Gide