Working

So I started this blog to talk about all of my "adventures" in singleland.. and while I have plenty of those I could write about.. I want to write about something far more personal this time. I love to hike... I would do it every day if I could but I most enjoy hiking by myself and especially when there is either something seriously bothering me or my emotions have the best of me. There is something about the solace in the woods and being in the middle of nature in it's very raw form that soothes my soul. The same thing happens when I sit by the ocean.. the sounds and soul of nature soothe me like nothing else ever can. With that being said... here's the story I want to tell. I had gone to great lengths over a year ago to begin changing myself and to become the person I know I want to be... I was making very serious strides towards my goals.. I had some pretty awesome people in my life helping me and working my behind off literally in the process. I really had begun to see the person I want to be and not the person I am now. However, somewhere along the way.. I can pinpoint where and why it happened but that itself is another story, I lost that part of me... it had been so clear and then suddently it was gone. Any motivation I had to reach my idea of me was gone. I was stuck.. I've spent alot of time pondering, worrying, stressing, being mad at myself for not only letting myself down but also letting those around me down. That's always been my biggest problem... I hate letting people down whether it's in my control or not.. I don't want to be the reason anyone is disappointed, sad or otherwise unhappy. So let's fastforward right to today... it's been 6 months of me floundering in this unhappy place that I couldn't seem to break myself out of... I was having a particulary awful morning and my emotions had the best of me. I knew I wasn't going to make any rational decisions and I was trying my best to avert any damage that my feelings at the moment might cause.. I decided to get lost in the woods. Overall best decision I've made in a very long time. Now I do need to say that there have been some things very recently that have made my eyes begin to open and to see what it is that I want out of life more clearly than ever... that too is another story for another time. I settled today on a 5 mile loop trail in the state park that I'd been thinking about trying for sometime... it's marked easy on the trail map but 5 miles is a good distance and it's not usually ever easy to hike 5 miles. When I arrived at the trailhead it seemed that everyone else had the same idea I had for the day... could have been that it was a holiday and families were out enjoying a beautiful day together in the woods. There were thirty cars parked at the start of the trail. Which can only mean one thing... there is no hiking alone with 30 or more other people on the same trail.. as I mentioned before I do this for the peace and quiet. So, I decided to head down to a shorter trail but one that offers a little more on the level of difficulty.. moderate :) When I arrived at this trailhead there were a few more cars than I would have liked parked at the trailhead but it was far better than the first. I hoped out of the car and found my way down the beginning of the trail past primitive campsites, the river, and several downed trees.. after I had walked about a quarter of a mile I began running in to more and more people.. it was more crowded than I was happy with. As I was decided whether or not I was going to turn around and head back I found myself in front of the start of another trail... this trail I'd looked at before and thought I would never go near it. It was of course marked difficult on the map.. it's called Wildcat Ledge... and there's a reason.. you really should be cat like to hike there. I stood on the grass between the two trails trying to figure out what I was going to do.. I really wasn't considering hiking the rocky ledge trail.. or maybe I was. I know me a year ago would certainly do that... but me right now... not so much. I noticed this couple headed my way on the trail, the mother had an infant in a carrier on her back and the father was holding the hand of a beautiful little red head with huge dark chocolate eyes... as they got closer I noticed the little girl staring at me and when she was right in front of me.. she said "you have to stay on the right path" Now I realize that she was probably chastising me for not being on the trail because her parents had warned her about staying on the trail and she knew that I was certainly not following directions.. but for me it was a different kind of message. I stepped off my right path months ago and it was time to get back on. I stood there for a second watching them walk away and then without much more thought I headed up the Wildcat Ledge trail.. now I have to say that from the very beginning this trail was difficult.. it's full of rocks and literally straight up.. as I was climbing I had moments of what the hell am I thinking.. and thoughts of turning back but something inside kept me moving on. Now there is a point that this trail levels off and you walk for a bit among the rocks and downed trees with very little effort.. but once you've moved through that break area it begins a steady incline... one which I've never done before. I thought quite a bit about headed back.. I had hiked a really good distance over a difficult part of the trail but I just kept thinking about what would be at the top... how amazing the view must be and how accomplished I'd feel when I got there. So I did. Just before you reach the top.. you get to a point that you may as well consider rock climbing.. I don't think you can consider it hiking anymore... I have to say that I'm not sure I can adequately explain the feeling.. the rush so to speak that I received from making to the very top of this very difficult trail.. the feeling that engulfed me when I stepped out on the ledge and looked across the valley, down at the river and over the tops of the mountains was breathtaking. It's hard to rationalize and it's hard to explain but that missing part of me that I talked about earlier.. I found her again at the top of that trail.. and as I look on it now she's been making her way back to me recently a little piece at a time. There is no denying for me that this was one of those defining moments in my life... something I won't soon forget and something that helped me find a vital piece of myself. It doesn't mean that I'm different... it just means I'm better. I recognize that I'm aging but I also know I'll never grow up. I'll still drive those I love to their breaking point.... I'll still try every ounce of patience they have and somedays they'll still want to forget I exist.. but I'll also still love those I hold dear fiercly and with all that I have... I'll ensure their happiness far before my own and I'll work my very best to make this better me work for them. I'm renewed.. I'm refreshed.. I'm hopeful for the future. I can't put all my feelings or my thoughts into words.. quite frankly words make it all seem so paltry... there are things at work that defy description. I just know that when I wake in the morning.. and I feel the soreness that is bound to creep in.. I'll feel more alive than ever and ready to face all that stands between me and happiness. I'm thankful.

You can ask the universe for all the signs you want, but ultimately, we see what we want to see when we're ready to see it.